Epiphany at Malaka Spice

I had an incredible moment of epiphany last Sunday.

I was at Malaka Spice in Koregaon Park, knifing my way through a chicken. After a nice little candlelit dinner, the bill arrives. And as if getting the bill by itself isn’t ominous enough, what you get with bills these days is even worse. Remember the good old days when one could just pay the bill, collect the change, leave (or not) a tip and then bid sweet goodbye? Well it seems those days are way behind us. In today’s world where image is everything and self esteem as fragile as an egg shell, it seems that young women aren’t the only ones with ego and appearance issues. Yes, restaurants, goods and services also struggle to realize their self worth and need constant validation. And before I drive you crazy with more build up and suspense, let me tell you what other ominous piece of paper greeted me with the bill- I’m talking about those little assessment sheets that hotels now hand out to their clientele to get their feedback. Evaluation sheets, feedback forms, suggestion boxes, whatever you call them, everyone seems to be dishing them out these days. Apparently it’s cool to ask people what they think about you right after your first meeting. Talk about coming off too strong and desperate.

Anyhow, so if restaurants can do it, if MNCs can do it, if big brands can do it, I asked myself, why can’t I do it?! All of us have gotten those bizarre and shameless SMSs from near-strangers asking us without any inhibitions whatsoever, ‘What do you think is my best/worst quality? What profession do you think would best suit me? REPLY MUST/ REPLY ASAP IF YOU ARE MY TRUE FIRIEND!’ etc. And you blink at your mobile screen; confused, scared and utterly bewildered, wondering why on earth you blackmailed your parents into buying you a mobile phone in the first place. So it’s not a completely new idea. Just that when you hand out questionnaires in person, the other party will have to fill it out. No question of ignoring it like in the case of text messages. Also, one can always carry a gun and/or some sharp object just in case. It’s every crazy obsessive insecure person’s (my) dream.

But think of the possibilities. If someone dislikes you, it’ll be there on paper (remember, this means you have evidence) and you can even frame appropriate questions to find out why. Is it because of my puns (special mention for fellow blogger Kamayani Sharma here), or because of my non-stop jokes (note Deborah D’souza) or because I have some sort of (uncalled for) aura of tragic dreaminess about me? (Yes, I mock myself also.) Or is it just a case of those deadly vibers that Deb blogged about earlier? There can be boxes for suggestions, comments, anything else you can think of. Those who like you will give you specific reasons, and you can obsessively read and re-read and re-re-read their feedback after you’ve checked the weighing scale and are in depression. People will also be forced to leave their number and e-mail id with you- which means you will never have to worry about getting hold of the number of that nice guy or girl you just met.

So, I thought to myself, as I answered the last of the questions of the feedback form at Malaka Spice, I’m going to start handing out questionnaires about myself as well. On a scale of 10, how would you rate Shalmali Jadhav as a blogger? 1 being poor and 10 being extraordinary. Would you like to see any changes in Shalmali? Option 1: more optimism. Option 2: less of that domineering attitude. Option 3: Other (please specify) Because here at Shalmali’s we try to please everyone. Your opinion is valuable to us. We hope you will visit us again.

It would be the ultimate solution to all my problems. Gautam Buddha attained enlightenment under a tree after years of meditation; I attained it at Malaka Spice after an expensive dinner.