11 Things I Know About Rom-Coms

This is an ancient post that I have recovered from the-now defunct My First Blog that shall remain unnamed and unread. This was first posted in March 2006, so excuse the 5 year old lingo and precious adolescence that this may reek of :); it is in response to my co-ozzum blogger, Shalmali's interesting investigations into the Romantic Comedy.

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I have a bone to pick with Rom-Coms (the nomenclature of all things commercial seems to be totally congruent to the kind of people it's meant for). What's with the romantic plus comedy thingamajig? I mean, either it's a romance or it's a comedy. Choose one. A romance can be inclusive of light, humourous moments with one-liners and wit. A comedy can have a romance running all through it. I know for a fact that Meg Ryan would probably have been out of a job eons ago if the existence of the 'rom-com' had been proved redundant and god forbid we ever have to sit through another actors-who-would-never-be-seen-dead-together-trying-to-believably-make-it-in-what-can-only-be-described-as-mind-numbing-drek-the-studio-hopes-to-rake-in-cash-with-at-the-expense-of-your-intelligence-dear-viewer trailer (longest hyphen rant EVER). Oh the cliches...oh the non-plots...oh the agony of forced (supposedly funny) dialogue...oh the obviously absent sexual tension (John 'Malkovich' Malkovich and Andie 'Check out my L'Oreal hair' MacDowell? )...it's too much for a poor Saturday evening cinema-goer to take in. So dear reader, behold my wisdom when I say to you.

Standard plot and character stereotypes include:

1. Too Stupid To Live (TSTL) types (mostly heroines) who go about in their self-consciously cute and allegedly endearing but actually annoying, ditzy way doing things that the average human female will plead insanity for, if ever caught doing.


2. Still in the TSTL zone, these are 'smart', 'career-oriented' women (hint: notice the inverted commas) and are all consumed by their work until The One comes along when suddenly all work ceases to exist, they go traipsing around with Lover Boy and surprisingly never get fired.


3. No matter how obviously pretty and attractive (Jennifer Lopez, sexy...NO! Reeeeally!?!), they'll never have been in proper or worthwhile relationships before (with guys who are right-off-the-bat jerks), have most likely never realised how beautiful they are until voila the hero comes along and she smacks her head ("Well, I never") all of a sudden, and miraculously sees her true worth (whatever that is).


4. The heroes are either horribly rich playboys (see Grant, Hugh) or just horrible (seemingly until the heroine cracks the tough exterior and uncovers Fabio within) .


5. The heroine will conveniently remain oblivious of the same chemistry and attraction that the viewer is supposed to be privy from their first scene together.


6. There will be a cynical, smart-talking, maternal best friend of the heroine, similarly unlucky in love but never quite as desirable so as to make only the heroine worthy of romantic attention in the eyes of the hero. Oh, and a sexually repressed, shallow, ex-jock sort of best friend of the hero. These two might also get together with each other in certain cases, as a secondary plot. As in right next to the PRIMARY (the main or just not there) one, that is.

7. The heroine will have way too many responsibilities like a younger sibling(s)/nephew(s) and neice(s) or older relatives to look after whom the hero, even though the heroine detests him (or does she, giggle, wink), manages to charm and floor and who are sure there's something afoot between Niceguy McHunk and Ihate Menreally (get it, get it, ha ha).


8. The kiss only takes place at the end.


9. Alternative to Rule # 8, they shag around in the beginning of the third act and there's a Huge Misunderstanding that requires the remaining half an hour to sort itself out.


10. Rich Bitches/Jealous Ex-boyfriends or girlfriends/Evil Bosses/Gay best friends as ONLY male pals of the heroine/Ethnic Minority All of the Above - at least one of these is sure to crop up in the course of the movie.


11. Apropos Huge Misunderstanding, it ultimately takes only (I've timed so I know, yes, I have nothing better to do, no I'm not a closet Rom-Com writer) 5 minutes to solve, but the rigmarole surrounding the two leads meeting up to solve it takes forever, ends with an "I love you too (baby)" and lasts 15 minutes. Yes, I did say 5, so the remaining 10 minutes are divided between snogging/shagging and a glimpse of their Happily Ever After with other cardboard fixtures...er...I mean characters in the movie set to a popular pop-rock love song.